What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”