Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.