If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial