With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*