How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.