Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”