My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”