Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?