This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.