Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.