If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.