Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.