“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.