5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.