Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.