*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage