okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.