There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.