If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.