Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Butt weight. There’s more!
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.