I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti