when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE