dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
2023 was just a warmup
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory