Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.