A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?