For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water