WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them