Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move