Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”