Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.