Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.