My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.