make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.