My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.