Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.