I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.