People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.