Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.