Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.