Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.