Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Pizza is an emotion right?
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life