According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.