If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.