You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.