“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.