To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing