A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds