This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.