How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.