Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.